relationships

You, Me, and IG Makes Three!

Dear T,

I’ve peeped out your advice a few times now, and like what you’ve had to say. So I decided to hit you up and ask you a question. Lately I’ve been noticing my boyfriend post a lot of pics on Instagram I think are disrespectful to our relationship. He’s posted pics of him flexing shirtless, pics of him from the bathroom after a shower, and even posted one of those eggplant Friday things. Other guys know he’s in a relationship with me (we post ourselves together all the time), but still leave suggestive comments under his photos. And he never checks these guys. He also likes a lot of photos of men he has only met through Instagram. I honestly want to check his DM inbox to see if anything is going on. This all makes me so uncomfortable. How can I stop him from committing all these Instagram fouls?

Signed,

Gonna Choke A Bytch Very Soon

Dear Gonna Choke A Bytch Very Soon,

Thanks for writing to me, and love the name LOL! Before you get to choking, let me help you out here. Instagram can be a fun app, but it can also be a trap for people in relationships. Every time you or your partner post a photo, you are allowing the possibility social media will play a role in your partnership. Whether people are liking your pictures of you, or his pictures of him, folks will sometimes see a pretty face and/or nice body, and not care about what photos you or him post together. These people may make inappropriate comments under photos, and even send a few DMs.

And before you jump the gun, I’m not suggesting you guys get rid of your IG accounts. I just want you to be aware that individuals on IG will flirt with whoever, and not care about busting up relationships. It’s the job of the partners in the relationship to tune out the “white noise,” and be confident in the commitment they share.

With all of that said, you have every right to feel the way you do. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like your boyfriend may be inviting more disrespectful attention than he has to. I have a few theories why this could be.

  1. You said your boyfriend has only recently been posting pics of himself half naked and “flexing.” This leads me to believe he has been putting in some work in the gym lately. He could be seeking validation that his body looks good. Although you may tell him he looks great (and I hope you are), he probably wants to hear the compliments from someone unbiased.
  2. The recent photo postings could be your boyfriend seeing if he still has the juice. He could just want to know he can still attract the boys.
  3. Your boyfriend could be attention seeking. People start feeling really good about themselves when the like count starts rolling triple digits. It’s a boost of confidence. And we all know the more provocative the photo, the more likes it gets. Well usually.

Going forward are my usual suggestions:

  1. Sit your boyfriend down and explain to him how much this is bothering you. Let him know how his images are being received and why they should stop. You’re boyfriend should be understanding of your discomfort.
  2. Up your ante on complimenting him! Sometimes in a relationship we can forget to do this after so long. We become adjusted and don’t think still calling our partner sexy, attractive, or cute is necessary….but it is! Try doing this and see if it changes anything.
  3. DO NOT check his DMs. That is a huge violation of trust. If you go through his inbox and find nothing inappropriate on his end, and he finds out you did it, you’re going to have a real issue on your hands.
  4. Realize your boyfriend doesn’t have a responsibility to constantly keep saying something to check people on IG about comments and messages. Sometimes the best form of checking is in his silence.
  5. Be confident in the relationship you two have built together.
  6. Oh I almost forgot to touch on this. Tell him the only eggplant he better post again is the actual vegetable. For that “foul,” I hope you got one heck of an apology with a matching gift or dinner (or both). No excuse for him exposing what he currently is leasing to you LOL!
  7. This is a Def Con 9 suggestion, but I do know of some couples who share one account. This keeps the idea that something is going on to a minimum because all DM messages are going to a single inbox and both partners can keep up with any and all comments.

As always nothing but love,

T.

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6 thoughts on “You, Me, and IG Makes Three!”

  1. Jon D. says:

    Oh my gosh thank you! At least you addressed this whole thirst trapping people in “relationships” are doing on IG.

  2. I Snooped, You DM'd says:

    Hey man,

    I’ve been reading your advice on relationships and dating for the last 2 days and they are direct and have provided me some perspective on a few different topics.

    So let’s say he would have went in the phone (obviously, still a violation of privacy and now creates a mutual sense of distrust) and discovered that his boyfriend had DM’d someone saying, “Hey man. OMG, You’re such an attractive brother… ” How would this change the dynamic of your advice?

    1. AsAccordingToT says:

      Thanks for commenting. I appreciate the kind words. If the boyfriend decided to DM someone that particular message, then there is a different conversation that needs to occur. Without initially admitting he checked his boyfriend’s DM, the guy should ask him if he is still happy in the relationship? The guy should also mention that while he loves his boo and wants them to make it as a couple, he doesn’t like competing with a growing fan base. So the boyfriend shouldn’t put him in a position he feels that way. In addition, this person has to make it clear that he won’t take the disrespect of cheating. The boyfriend is either committed or he’s not.

      Now don’t think I forgot about the actual DM. While that DM is by no means a good thing, it’s what I deem as “dangerous flirting” for a relationship. Here’s the thing, many people have a natural tendency to flirt. Relationship or not, that’s just part of their personality. HOWEVER, when someone is in a relationship, he or she has a responsibility not to cross a certain line. And the contents of that DM are all but straddling that line. This guy would want to be real with his boyfriend about acceptable flirting that works for both him and the mate. Also, the guy would be wise to keep an eye on his boyfriend to see if there is a change in the pattern of his behavior that would hint at something fishy going on.

      1. I Snooped, You DM'd says:

        Thanks for your insight. I didn’t think I was too far off in my thought pattern.

        1. AsAccordingToT says:

          No problem. And if you ever have anymore questions, shoot me a message

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