friendship

Supporting What Doesn’t Make Sense!

Dear T,

My best friend has been in a relationship with this guy for about 6 months now, and I can’t stand him.  For the life of me, I cannot understand why they are still together.  There are plenty of reasons for my friend to dump this guy.  For starters, this guy claims to be in between jobs, and has been taking money from my friend for a month.  Then there is the fact that the guy constantly talks to my friend about being too feminine.  When I’m around them both, my friend tries to butch up and be something he’s not.  And to top it all off, dude has cheated on my friend.  I keep telling my friend to dump his ass, but he can’t let him go.  How long am I expected to tolerate this man and not cuss him out?  I appreciate the advice.

Thanks,

Angry Woe

Dear Angry Woe,

Thanks for writing to me.   I’m pretty sure we all have a friend whose taste in men sometimes is beyond questionable.  We find ourselves looking at our friend thinking “what in the h$ll is wrong with you?”  We can’t understand why our bestie would choose to stay with someone that treats him poorly or is beneath a certain standard.  Over the years I’ve come to figure out the answer to this dilemma is either one of two things:

1.)     Either the friend has low self-esteem, and is convinced he can’t do better than the man he’s with, or

2.)    The friend has put blinders on to ignore the problems because the sex is that good.

In some cases, it’s both.   Regardless of why your friend is still with this guy, the fact is, he is still with him.  And that’s unlikely to change just because you point things out.

Look, if you have made your feelings about the boyfriend abundantly clear to your best friend, then you’ve done your part as a friend.  Like grandma use to say back home, “Baby, sometimes you got to let grown folks be grown.”  In other words, you have to let your friend live his life with this man.  If this man is as bad for him as I’m led to believe based on your letter, your friend will wise up sooner or later.  I just encourage you to be there for your friend when that big “revelation” happens.

And please do me a favor.  Do not let your friend’s love life stress you out.  Our own love lives can be stressful enough, without adding the stress of other people’s lives to the mix.  Whether it is focusing on your own current relationship, or focusing on landing a man to begin one, redirect your energy.  Again, when your friend is ready to get rid of this guy and comes to you for comfort, then you lend your support and energy to that cause.

Going forward here are my suggestions:

  1. Sit back and let your friend’s relationship run its course. And if the relationship ends, try your best not to say anything that resembles “I told you so!”  No one who seeks support wants to hear those four dreaded words.
  1. If your friend ends things with the guy, or the guy ends things with him, have a deep one on one conversation with your friend about his dating choices. If picking “bad” guys is a habitual thing for him, you may want to suggest he speak with someone.  It’s very important that while having this conversation you come off supportive and NOT judgmental.  So be careful of your tone and word choice.
  1. Unless there is physical or verbal abuse involved, it’s never a good idea to insert yourself in someone’s relationship. No matter how much you dislike the person a loved one is dating, the loved one chose him.  You have to respect that choice.   So tell your friend once, maybe twice, you don’t care for the way the boyfriend is treating him, then back off.  And don’t cuss his man out (unless your friend ask you to LOL!)

As always, nothing but love,

T.

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2 thoughts on “Supporting What Doesn’t Make Sense!”

  1. Riri navy says:

    Oh my gosh! I have a friend just like this.

    1. According To T says:

      LIke I said, I think we all do LOL! I’ve rolled my eyes more than once at some of my friends’ now exes.

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