This Man Is Not Yours to Have

 Dear T,

I’ve been seeing this man for about 3 months now.  He’s everything I’ve wanted.  He’s cute, has banging body, has a great job, makes me laugh, and the sex with him on a scale from 1 to 10 is an 11.  The only thing is, the guy is married and has no plans in the near future to get a divorce from his wife.  He told me he didn’t want to get a divorce right now because he didn’t want to do that to his two young kids.  However, he always makes himself available to me.  We don’t really go on dates around town, but he comes over to my place often and takes me on trips.  Lately though, I’ve just been feeling our relationship the way it is, isn’t enough.  I want more.  I want to go out in public on dates. I want to be able take pictures with my boyfriend.  I want to roll over in the middle of the night to him sleeping peacefully, instead of him making a mad dash for the exit to get home.  Plus, I’m starting to feel bad for his wife.  I guess I’m writing to ask what do you think I should do?  I’ve asked my friends, but I don’t think they get it.


Oliver Pope

Dear Oliver Pope,

Thanks for writing to me.  There are a few points I want to touch on in my brief response.  First, let’s talk about dating a married man.  I don’t care how intriguing or entertaining it may be watching Olivia Pope on Scandal or Mary Jane on Being Mary Jane, being the other man or woman is never anything to aspire to be.  By seeing a married man, you are helping him to betray his marriage vowels and commitment to his wife and family.  While in the beginning you probably thought, “he’s the one cheating, not me,” or perhaps, “it’s not my fault his wife can’t hang onto her husband,” eventually a guilty conscious will catch up with you.  Just as it appears it’s starting to. Every moment you spend with him, you are taking him away from the kids he claims to care so much about.  Plus, you probably only know of his marriage what he’s told you.  In actuality, his wife could be the most loving woman, and you are helping him to pull a scheme on her.  It’s not my intention necessarily to make you feel bad here, but to open your eyes to some of the collateral damage of this affair.

Also, this married man will never be able to provide you with the relationship you desire.  He’s already in one with his wife.  And please don’t take offense to this, but if he told you he has no plans on getting divorced any time soon, then don’t expect him to give you more in this than you already have.  His primary commitment is to his kids and even his wife, so he doesn’t really owe you anything. As a result, you will be forced to lurk with him in the shadows.  He won’t transform into the loving partner you want as long as he has that ring on his finger. So if you want more in life and require more from love, go get it with someone else.  You deserve it!

In addition, if this guy is cheating on his wife with you, what makes you think he is not “cheating” on you with someone else?  Think about it.  He has kids with this woman, built a life with her, and is legally bound to her.  If he is so haphazardly willing to violate that bond, why would he not be willing to betray whatever connection you two share?  I don’t know you personally, but I’d venture to say you’d be pissed to find out about another person.

And lastly, I wasn’t going to do this, but find I can’t help myself.  I have a real pet peeve about men married to women having affairs with men.  I know how hard it is for a man to accept himself as gay, and how much pressure family members and friends can place on someone to have a “traditional family,” but UGH!  I don’t find it to be fair to the poor woman who finds herself in this predicament.  To have to constantly wonder why your husband doesn’t seem completely happy with you, or why he doesn’t feel fully committed to you sexually, must be a stressful thing.  Plus, these kinds of situations perpetuate a stereotype that gay men are out in these streets trying to destroy marriages and turn “straight” husbands into homosexuals.  I would talk more about my pet peeve, but I guess I’ll save that convo for a rainy day.

Going forward here are my suggestions.

  1. If your friends are telling you that seeing this guy is a bad idea, LISTEN! They are absolutely right on this one.
  1. Break up with this guy. I don’t care how sexy he may be, or where he takes you, or how good he may be in the bedroom, he’s married and not yours to have.  Find someone else.
  1. No matter what he says, and no matter what gift he gives you, don’t allow him to suck you back into his orbit when you break up with him. Stay strong!
  1. Don’t date anymore married men or men already in a relationship. I’ve always believed that breaking up a “home,” whether happy or not, will come back to bite you in the a$$.  You would want someone to respect your future relationship, so do the same to others.

As always nothing but love,


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3 thoughts on “This Man Is Not Yours to Have”

  1. Oliver Pope says:

    I know you’re probably right, but I really like him. And the sex really is amazing! Lol! Let me get it together and move on.

    1. According To T says:

      Yes better for all involved if you just move on

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