friendship, The Lifestyle

His Business, Is Not Your Business

Dear T,

I have this female best friend, and over the past three months she has developed a huge crush on this guy we know.  He’s fine, a recent college grad, and charming.  I think he’s a good catch, but I’m pretty sure he’s gay.

Shortly after meeting this guy, my best friend and I became Facebook friends with him.  Since then, he’s been messaging me directly pretty regularly.  We talk about our life goals, our experiences in college, sports, and other things.  While that sounds normal, when we have our Facebook chats it’s usually after 11:00pm.  Also, he uses smiley wink faces in our conversations.  And looking at his Facebook profile, I learned he loves Oprah and Rhianna, and we have multiple friends in common that I know for sure are gay.  So I guess my question here, is do I tell my best friend this guy is gay so she can move on?  Or do I keep the information to myself?


Trying This Out

Dear Trying This Out,

Thanks for “trying this out.”  To answer your questions, let me first start off by stressing how important it is for a person to reveal his sexuality in his time and in his way.  No one should ever be quick to steal someone else’s coming out moment.  It can be a big deal for someone to have that unprovoked conversation with another.  So, I will usually never be an advocate of outing other people.

Now, there are a few things you can do discourage your friend’s crush on this guy.  Option 1, you tell your best friend that you found out the guy doesn’t like her in that way and actually likes someone else.  When she asks you how do you know and who the person is, which she probably will, tell her that you heard it from a very reliable source and that the who really doesn’t matter.  Option 2, you tell her that you don’t think the guy is a right fit for her, and she can do better.  I prefer option 1 because it makes it clear that your friend should move on.  However, you decide which one will work best with your friend.

Going forward I have my usual suggestions.

  1. Again, your job should never to be “out” someone. In my opinion, there are only two occasions in which it is okay to reveal another person’s sexuality.  First, if telling the information will save the life of a loved one.  But honestly, how many times will saying someone is gay save a life?  Second, if exposing someone’s sexuality will prevent an unnecessary chain of bad events.  An example of what I mean by this, is if your best friend were planning a marriage with a man you knew to be gay, and there was absolutely no other reason for you to justify her breaking up with him, other than telling her he’s gay.  In this case, you are trying to save your friend a possible painful divorce.
  1. I think you should try to date this guy if you’re single. By the way you described him, he sounds like a good catch.  Since you chat with him on a regular basis, I’d be shocked if you didn’t feel anything for him anyway.  And don’t worry about this being a possible betrayal of loyalty to your best friend.  She and the guy never dated, and there is no chance of them dating, you’re okay.  To be on the safe side though, try and find her a new crush ASAP LOL.
  1. For future reference, unless a person works third shift or works sporadic hours like a doctor or policemen, anytime a practical stranger hits you up after 11:00pm it’s flirting 90% of the time. Remember that!

As always, nothing but love.

Best Regards,


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