I just found out that my “best friend” has been having sex with my ex-boyfriend. While my ex and I haven’t been together in about five years, he and I still talk on the phone almost every week. Heck, his mom still calls me from time to time. Even though I don’t want him, I can’t help but feel upset that he thought it was okay to sleep with my “best friend.”
I’ve known my “best friend” for about ten years. I know he can be kind of a man whore, and he has at times crossed boundaries, but he has never crossed boundaries with me. I’m having a hard time forgiving him, especially because he acts like it was no big deal.
What am I supposed to do in this situation? Do I just throw ten years of friendship down the drain? And what do I do about the ex?
Pissed and Confused
Dear Pissed and Confused,
First off, thanks for writing to me. Unfortunately, your problem is one that hits close to home for a lot people. We all would like to think that the people we choose to surround ourselves with won’t hurt us; but, the truth of the matter is sometimes our “friends” hide who they really are. By the time we discover their true identity, it’s too late. We’ve been defrauded and hurt. However in your case, it sounds like your so-called friend revealed who they were in your ten year friendship and you chose to hide that from yourself.
You write “he can be kind of a man whore, and he has at times crossed boundaries,” which I take to mean his privates have a mind of their own. When he was presumably sleeping with people he probably shouldn’t have been, you overlooked that, thinking he would never cross that line with you. Let me make it clear, you’re not wrong for being upset with the friend, I just don’t think you should be so shocked he did what he did.
Now about this ex-boyfriend. I noticed you mentioned him first in the letter, leading me to believe you place more blame on him then you do the friend. Could this be because you still actually have romantic feelings for him and held out hope you two may one day get back together? And by sleeping with your best friend, your ex made it painfully clear that you two are over? If this is the case, as I expect it to be, then perhaps you should have said something about your feelings to him.
Going forward I have my suggestions.
- Decide whether your best friend sleeping with your ex is a deal breaker for you. If I were in your position, I would forgive my best friend, but the friendship would have to end. I couldn’t have people close to me I couldn’t trust with my significant other, past or current. And since he crosses boundaries, and doesn’t seem to understand the harm in what he did to you, I wouldn’t want to risk running into a similar incident in the future. People may not support this, but I’ve always believed my ex should not be your next if we’re friends.
- It’s okay to still have love for your ex, but being in love with this guy isn’t healthy for you any longer. I have no doubt that at some point he knew having sex with your best friend was a violation of your trust and expectations of him. As someone that loves the concept of closure, I would ask the ex why he did what he did, then excuse myself from that equation. I would prepare room in my life to receive my next great relationship.
- Your predicament reiterates my point about exes being friends. You CANNOT be friends with an ex, just friendly. You can’t speak with a former love weekly, keep in contact with his family, and hang out with him on a regular. Remaining so close with him will make it nearly impossible to really get over him and for you to move on. So when you break up with someone, keep communication between you and that person at a minimum.
- Oh and please, next time you get in a relationship, don’t discuss with your friends how good the sex is. Some people feel if they hear about a good thing, they must try it for themselves.
Nothing but love.