relationships

How Do I Get Over My Husband Cheating on Me?

Hi T,

I just found your website when I’m looking for an answer on forgiveness for my husband. Me and my husband are in a long-distance relationship for more than a year. I’m working in Vietnam right now due to my job requirement. If the corona virus didn’t come, we would see each other in March already.

Since the pandemic exploded, Vietnam has locked down the international airport.  And that is how my marriage is falling apart. My husband recently has a new lesbian friend. At first, I learned that she had problems with her girlfriend, so my husband hung out with her and give her advice. I only knew about her through my husband words, never really seen her face. But this July,  I found her Facebook when I was surfing it…and what happened next ruined my soul completely.

I found her profile’s pics taken with my husband…with status says how much she loves him. Here, you might think that my husband lied about her sexuality, but the truth is she did have a girlfriend, I just can’t be sure if they are still together or not. That day, I felt like I was broken into pieces. I called my husband in the middle of the night, I asked him but he said she just did that to gain her girlfriend’s attention. Like an instinct, I kept asking him if they had sex. He kept saying why do I have to know things that would hurt me. But I said I would leave him if he didn’t tell me the truth and let me find out by myself. He then confessed that they did have sex.

My husband is the only man that I’ve ever loved in my life. I met him when I was 23, he is my first and last (I believed so). I have loved him more and more every single day. I dreamed of us soon having babies. When I knew about the affair. Everything seemed to collapse in front of me. To be honest, I was hurt so badly, the pain is stilling killing every piece of me every single day…but, my husband cried. He told me that at first they was drunk but then, he was just so lonely and they were just friends with benefits.

He said he loves me and he would kill himself if I left him and that I’m his everything. He said people make mistake and he can’t explain why he did what he did, but he never stops loving me. He didn’t want me to find out about the affair that way. He already ended that “fling” a while ago because he couldn’t take the guilty feelings every time he looked at me. That fling just last for 2 months with a few times sex. When I found out, he told that girl to take all the pictures down because that was not their deal and those pics should just be sent to her girlfriend only.

When I wrote this letter to you, I already told my husband that I forgave him. This is all because even when I’m in pain, I rather let myself suffer it alone than keep haunting him for what already done. I love my husband more than the pain that he caused, that’s why I chose to let things go. But what my husband didn’t know is that I still have nightmare every single night and I can’t stop myself from imagining the way he kissed her and the way they had sex. Can you tell me what do I have to do to get over the pain and to get rid of those imaginations? I don’t want my husband to keep punishing himself, I comfort him but I can’t stop myself from being haunted by what he did.

-Amelia

 

relationships

My Boyfriend Lent His Ex Money and I’m Angry about It

Tavion,

My boyfriend really made me pissed off. We’ve been living together for about 1 ½ years and we split the bills down the middle. 2 nights ago he asked me if I wouldn’t mind covering a few of the bills myself because he may come up a little short. I didn’t make a thing of it until he told me the reason he may come up short. He apparently lent his ex-boyfriend $350 so the ex could fix his car because it was apparently an emergency. Can you believe that?

I’ve tried to be as mature as possible about the fact my boyfriend and his ex are friends that still communicate heavy. I didn’t even trip, well too hard, when I threw my boyfriend a little birthday party back in February and the ex was on his list of guests. But now their friendship is affecting our finances, and I’m just over it. I want to cuss my boyfriend out, but I don’t want to sound like the insecure boyfriend. Is there a way to get my point across without causing a big blow up in my relationship?

I’m coming to you because I really like the advice you give.

Thanks in advance

-Mr. P

relationships

I Love My Boyfriend but He Keeps Telling “White Lies”

T,

I love my boyfriend so damn much, but he keeps telling me white lies. I’ll give you an example. One of our mutual friends recently posted a pic of his gym progress on Instagram and my boyfriend liked it. When I was talking to my boyfriend about how good our friend looks, he tells me he didn’t see the picture. I couldn’t figure out why he told that lie.

To give you another example, 2 months ago through random conversation he told me that the car he drives is all paid off. Then a week ago I saw a deal for like a cute vacation and he told me he didn’t have the money for one right now because he had to pay his car note. White lies like this are driving me nuts.

It’s weird because I feel like he’s truthful with the big things, but I have no idea why he tells these white lies. When I confront him on these lies, he always has an excuse, or tells me I misunderstood him. What would you do in my shoes? Keep in mind, everything else in our relationship is really good.

-Just Want the Truth

Dating

We’re Not Official but He’s Mad I’m Dating Other People

Tavion,

I’ve been talking to this dude I’ll call JL for about four months, and things were cool. He said he wanted to take things slow, and I didn’t mind. Since he said he wanted to take things slow, I started talking to another guy. Well recently I was hanging with JL and he noticed I got a few text messages from the other guy. I think he thought it was a friend at first, but then when he got up, I was replying to a message and JL snuck up behind me and read a message or two. Then JL kind of bugged out that I was talking to another guy.

I tried to tell him he’s the one that said he wanted to take things slow, and he flipped it around on me because I’m talking to someone else. My thing is this, unless we are in a relationship, I’ve done nothing wrong. I really like JL, but if he wanted to be slow about getting into a relationship, why shouldn’t I explore my options in the meantime? JL and I haven’t stopped talking, but he’s definitely feeling a way still. What do you suggest in my case?

-Single But Not Cuffed

Dating

Great Sex and Great Food. Is that Enough for a Relationship?

Hey T,

I’m trying to see if I should make it work with this guy or not. Keeping it one hundred, the only thing we really have is great sex and great food. He’s made me cry a few times while in bed because it was that good, and that has NEVER happened in my whole life. Oh and because he is a chef but not working like he used to, he sometimes cooks for me when I go over to his crib, and it’s good. I sometimes want to cry because of the food too. As a 31 year old, I know I can’t build a relationship off of good sex and food, but I’ve been in a relationship with a man that was okay in bed and didn’t even boil me water, but we had a lot in common to talk about. That relationship didn’t make it. So why not try to build a relationship with the chef? I think I know what you’ll say, but thought I’d ask anyway.

-My Chef Be Cooking

Dating, Tavion Talks

Understanding Polyamorous Relationships… My Interview with an Expert

That’s right folks, we’re talking polyamorous relationships. Now I’ll be the first person to admit I wasn’t sold on the idea. My inner Scorpio alone wasn’t having it, and saw the concept as a setup to set off jealousy and that infamous Scorpio stinger. I could understand why some people negatively commented on the few polyamorous related posts I’ve written, saying they couldn’t do it.

And then one day after a chance encounter on Instagram with relationship coach and polyamorous expert, Lindsay H, I began to think I had such a strong opinion on a topic I didn’t actually know a hell of a lot about. Thankfully, Lindsay agreed to speak with me one evening and give me a full picture of what polyamory is and isn’t. So let’s go ahead and dive into what I learned. Oh, and I’ll be sure to let you know if she changed my mind in the end.

Dating

He’s Younger. Just Having Fun or Dating to Build a Relationship?

T,

I’m having a slight issue with my friends about the guy I’m dating. Don’t judge me but I started talking to this guy about three months ago, so yes during the pandemic, but I’ve been careful. Anyway, this guy is amazing so far. His communication is great, he makes me laugh, cooks some good food, and the sex is on point. There’s just one thing. He’s younger than me, and sometimes it shows. I’m 36 and he’s 22, and our taste in music is different, we don’t necessarily watch all the same things, and I’ve lived more life and experienced more things. Also, I’m pretty sure if the clubs were open here he’d be in them, and I’ve outgrown that time of my life.

My friends think I’m just playing with this guy and having fun, and can’t believe I’m serious about him. But I really do like him and am interested in seeing where it goes with him, despite his somewhat immaturity at times. Sick of my friends’ judgment. Guess what I’m asking is do you think my friends are right? Is whatever we’re doing just a result of these pandemic circumstances?

-Have a Tenderoni

Dating

When Is the Right Time to Share Your Undetectable Status?

Hello Tavion,

I hope that you are well. As always, I enjoy your site and the advice that you give so I am reaching out. Here is my dilemma. I am HIV Undetectable. When dating, I oftentimes wonder when to disclose to my dating partner. I don’t want to mention it too soon and scare him off. I also don’t want to wait too late, especially if it’s a “deal-breaker” for him. Do you have any advice on the right time to disclose HIV status so no one is wasting their time but giving a fair chance for things to develop?

-Soon to Be Late

Tavion Scott the Author

Don’t Forget to Check Out the Scripted Series Majoring in Me the Podcast

Hey folks. I’m just going to get right to it. Go check out my scripted series Majoring in Me the Podcast! The first five episodes are up on major podcasting platforms, and I’m getting great feedback from people. And to those people, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

There is so much that goes into each of these episodes, so hearing the positive compliments truly means a lot. (By the way, I now know why Issa hasn’t let us fans pressure her into making Insecure an hour-long show. It’s a ton of work.)

Now for those who haven’t started listening yet, you’re missing out on the story of a young Black gay man trying to awkwardly navigate his way through college. But then again, I don’t know how things wouldn’t get a little “awkward” when you’ve lived all your life faking it as a heterosexual boy to then start living as a gay man (without “practice” or “guidance”). And then on top of that, you’re forced into building a relationship with a parent that pretty much ghosted you since infancy.

However, before I give away too much, just go listen to Majoring in Me the Podcast. And if you’ve already heard the podcast and are a fan, like it, subscribe, and share the link.

relationships

My Boyfriend Said He Didn’t Cheat, But Wants an Open Relationship

T,

This is going to sound weird because it is weird. My boyfriend recently came to me and told me he had a confession. I thought he was going to tell me he cheated, but instead, he said he hadn’t cheated but felt like he wanted to cheat. He apparently said he sometimes feels like hooking up with other men, but won’t because he doesn’t want to hurt me. He said he did the right thing by telling me. I’m not sure how he’d think I respond, but I was pissed. He promised he didn’t do anything with anyone and didn’t hit anyone up. Even said I should be thankful he was honest with his feelings. He went onto say, he just wants us to do more to spice things and suggested some kind of open relationship where we get a pass to mess with a stranger every now and then. I just don’t know what to do with this info because I think an open relationship is the first step to us breaking up. Suggestions?

From,

Unchartered Territory